Why “confidence” advice fails women engineers
I don’t know how this article will be received, but here it is.
I was in the room with 7 people: 3 were C-suite level, 1 from upper management, and 3 were other leads. We were discussing the company’s technical direction and product strategy for the next quarter. Decisions that would shape what we’re going to focus on building, what we're cutting out, and what risks we were willing to take.
FYI, I was the only woman in the room.
For most of the meeting, I stayed quiet. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I was watching. Listening to how people framed problems. Noticing who spoke with certainty versus who spoke to be seen. Tracking body language, tone, interruptions. Understanding where incentives, fears, and power actually sat in the room. It was quite a fun exercise, ngl haha.
This article is about that moment. Hello everyone! Welcome to another Articles by Victoria, the place where I randomly write things I’m learning about. In this article, I want to touch on a relatively unspoken topic: about why the advice for women engineers (or leaders) like “be more confident” completely misses the mark on the realities that women engineers/leaders have to face.
Reason 1: Being outspoken does not mean being confident
I had someone told me before that staying quiet comes across as lack of confidence. His well-intentioned advice was that confidence is about jumping in quickly, speaking often and asserting opinions early.
“You need to speak up more. You’re clearly capable, but people won’t know unless you show confidence.”
He especially emphasized that as a woman, I had to do all these but “double times” to gain visibility. He was being supportive, of course, which I am truly grateful. However, my personal experiences said otherwise.
In that meeting, the loudest voices weren’t necessarily the most confident. Yes, they were the most comfortable. Comfortable with the room, with the hierarchy, with the assumption that their opinions belonged there and seen as correct by default.
So people often mistook it for “confidence”. So I tried it. I spoke more. I asserted earlier. I filled silences.
What changed wasn’t my impact, but the feedback. Suddenly I was “a bit intense.” “Very direct.” “Maybe too opinionated for someone in that role.” The behavior didn’t become confidence just because I did it. It was interpreted through a different lens.
To be clear, this isn’t always about sexism.
I’m not pretending every piece of feedback I’ve received was unfair or malicious. I am indeed a direct person. In corporate environments, I don’t soften language naturally, and I don’t enjoy talking just to be visible. I’m also, by nature, an observer. I listen first, process then speak.
What didn’t work for me was pretending to be someone else.
When I forced myself to speak more just to feel less invisible, I didn’t become more effective. I became misaligned. I was talking without substance, filling space instead of contributing meaningfully. And that friction showed up immediately in how I was perceived. Ironically, when I tried to perform confidence, it was when I was seen as least confident.
That was the moment I stopped trying to perform confidence.
Now, I speak when there’s something worth saying. I participate in a way that’s honest to how I think and how I work. Direct and to the point. And most importantly, within my own comfort.
Reason 2: What confidence advice assumes
The reason why some supportive male allies gave advice like “be more outspoken” is because they think if only women engineers/leaders were more ‘confident’, they would get recognized, promoted and heard.
It assumes lack of confidence is the problem for women who are stagnated in their careers.
But if you look deeper, this assumption is not entirely accurate. Because it ignores the realities of power dynamics, work culture, hierarchy and social expectations. Women are often criticized for behaviors that men are rewarded for. Such as being too assertive, too emotional, too quiet, or too cautious. One instance of you being perceived and boxed into one of these critical categories could change your career trajectory. Which is why this so-called ‘confidence’ alone cannot navigate this maze.
Ultimately, confidence advice assumes that outcomes are driven by how convincingly you speak or portray yourself. In reality, outcomes are often driven by who is allowed to be ‘wrong’ safely, who can feel heard and validated even when they’re objectively wrong. Confidence alone doesn’t redistribute power or neutralize hierarchy. And it doesn’t protect women from asymmetric behavioral expectations.
Reason 3: The paradox of confidence advices for women
One of the toughest times of my career wasn’t learning how to lead a team. It was learning how to navigate boundaries that no one explicitly talks about. Many things are invisible and subtle unless you've experienced them yourself, repeatedly.
For example, this has happened quite often: when I entered a new meeting with a client, their first instinct was to shake hands and introduce themselves to my male coworkers, assuming they would lead the project.
The same thing happened in follow-up meetings, even after we had all introduced our roles and the client knew I was the only technical person in the room. Yet, they would make eye contact with a male salesperson when asking a technical question, most likely unintentional and just out of habit, forgetting that I am the technical expert.
For context, I am working in a country where there are very few women engineers and most of them are in sales or admin roles, so I understand these behaviours are not ill-intentioned in any way but simply come from their lived experiences and expectations.
And this is why I find confidence advice for women paradoxical at times.
If I try to increase my presence and stand out, I would be seen as attention-seeking. If I spoke up to redirect the topic when it digresses, I could risk being labeled as too assertive. If I waited quietly and speak only when being spoken to, I’m told I don’t seem confident.
Essentially, I need to speak up but don’t sound too assertive. Be decisive but also take everyone’s opinions into account. Lead my team well but don’t be too direct. Sounds easy to do, right?
What actually works: Redefining Confidence (subtly)
I’d like to share my favourite definition of confidence with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
For a long time, I misunderstood this quote. I thought it meant I needed thicker skin. That I had to override how rooms made me feel through sheer willpower. If I felt small, it was because I allowed it.
Now, I interpreted it differently.
To me, confidence isn’t about forcing myself to speak louder or faster or more often. It’s about refusing to internalize signals that were never meant to evaluate my competence in the first place. It’s knowing when feedback is about my work, and when it’s about someone else’s discomfort with my work instead.
I read about it somewhere. It’s called discerning. Being able to discern is being able to ask myself quietly,
Is this about the quality of my work, or about me not fitting someone’s expectations of how I should sound, lead, or behave?
And once I learned to discern, setting boundaries became easier. I used to believe that being useful meant always saying yes. Helping every team that asked. Being available, responsive and accommodating. And somehow it made me tie my confidence with proving my value over and over again.
I no longer feel the need to demonstrate my usefulness by overextending myself. I choose where my time and energy go. I prioritize the work that aligns with my role, my impact, and my own sustainability. Not because I’m less capable, but because I know my boundaries.
Confidence, to me, is being comfortable being yourself. I’m usually the one listening deeply, then speaking with intent. And I’m not filling silences just to prove I belong. Still, even though I realized all this and am writing this article, I have to be honest. This does not mean I’m always confident. The reality is that my confidence can fluctuate, and there will be times when imposter syndrome hits, when I’m second guessing my decisions, when I think if someone else were in this role, the outcome might have been better. Yes, all these thoughts do cross my mind and that is okay. Confidence does not mean you will never doubt yourself again. The important part is that you can accept yourself even when you have those moments.
Perhaps this is the rawest advice for women engineers. Instead of teaching them to “be more confident”, we create safe environments (like how we did at WomenDevsSG - shameless plug I know) and teach them how to have internal boundaries, where they don’t have to constantly prove they deserve to be there.
Thanks for reading! This is an article I initially felt a bit too vulnerable and “controversial” to share. But if this helps you in any way or if you have any feedback or thoughts, feel free to let me know in the comments or send me an email!
See you in the next article! Cheers!
