How to Set Boundaries Professionally
Because leadership is about saying no to what drains you and yes to what builds the team
Welcome back to another Articles by Victoria, the place where I randomly write things I’m curious about.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about boundaries. The subtle ones that go unnoticed in everyday moments that determine whether you end your day feeling respected or slightly resentful.
If you have ever felt that tiny sting when someone speaks to you in a tone that crosses a line, or when you agree to something you did not actually have the capacity for, you would know... exactly what I mean.
Setting boundaries professionally sounds simple but in reality, it can feel uncomfortable, especially when you are leading, mentoring, or trying to maintain harmony in a team. Some have advised me to call them out directly, some have advised me to provide constructive feedback using the sandwich method, some told me to just let it go and "be flexible".
Because of that, I used to think good leadership meant being "flexible" all the time. However, now I know that flexibility without boundaries can quickly turn into burnout and feeling disrespected all the time. Once you start to constantly feel that in your workplace, it will subtly affect how you work and how you communicate to others.
In this article, let me share what that looked like for me and how I set my boundaries professionally.
A Personal Story
As a Solutions Engineer Lead, I naturally want to support my team. I want them to feel safe proposing ideas, asking questions, and even challenging me. But when I first entered the team 2 years ago, there was a period of time when I noticed something subtle within the team dynamics.
A junior team member would propose something to the team, and everyone would support their ambitions and ideas. Then when it's time to implement, the junior would ask the team members to do the tasks for them. Sometimes, the junior would even bluntly tell me to "do XYZ for me" or "I don't want to take up these tasks" or "ask ABC to do it". It felt directive and unprofessional.
At first, I brushed it off by simply ignoring their bluntness and attributing that to them just adjusting to the team since they are still young. Also, I was still new to the company, so there were more important things I needed to prioritize during onboarding. So I rationalized it as maybe they were stressed and maybe I was reading too much into it.
But over time, when other team members quietly shared with me in their one on ones that they felt uncomfortable too, I realised something important. When you tolerate small boundary violations, you are not just affecting yourself. You are setting the emotional climate for everyone.
Leadership is not only about vision and strategy. It is about modelling what is acceptable behaviour. Hearing my team members say that about that team member, that was my wake up call.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
I knew I had to do something about this but at the same time, I learned that I was in a tricky position due to many factors.
One of them being the fact that I was still a relatively new lead, which meant I was very conscious of how I seemed to the team. I did not want to come across as overly strict, sensitive or defensive (especially because I'm the only woman in the team and they're already evaluating whether I'm qualified for the position) So I wanted to be seen as supportive, fair, objective and collaborative. And... that made me hesitate.
There were also other factors that made it harder for me to address it immediately:
I was still building credibility in the role and did not want to seem sensitive
The person involved was younger and less experienced, and I did not want to crush their initiative and enthusiasm in contributing to ideas
I worry I would damage the team dynamics
When I internally went over these factors altogether, it becomes easy to delay the solution, and avoid the hard conversations. I convinced myself that maybe it will correct itself. Maybe it is just immaturity and they will get better themselves. Maybe someone else will address it.
But the longer I waited, the heavier it felt.
And I realized one thing, but it took me too long to articulate this: By staying silent, I was unintentionally approving the behaviour.
Silence can seem like consent, but in reality and in leadership, it is rarely neutral. When you let something slide repeatedly, it slowly becomes the standard, the expectations, the norm. What you tolerate, you normalise. And I had to admit I have been procrastinating this for way longer than I wished.
So I looked for answers and found a book
One book that helped me think about how to solve this is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
While this book often discussed scenarios in personal relationship contexts, I think the principles can translate into professional life as well.
The core idea is simple yet powerful: You are responsible for your responsibilities. Other people are responsible for theirs.
A line from the book says "When you overfunction, someone else underfunctions."
That sentence hit me hard the first time I really understood it.
Every time I rationalized their behaviour instead of correcting it, I was absorbing the discomfort myself. Every time I stepped in to help with an initiative that someone else proposed, I was overfunctioning. I told and convince myself that I was being supportive, a helpful team member and lead. In reality, I was removing the opportunity for them to step up and grow.
My flexibility was not purely from generosity. Frankly, it was avoidance because it was easier for me to just handle it than to address the behaviour directly.
I realized what I was doing does not build me into the leader I wanted to be.
What Setting Professional Boundaries Looks Like
Most people think setting boundaries mean direct confrontation, and having that hard conversation. I agree to a certain extent but I prefer to frame it as "calm correction" instead.
Here is what I started doing.
1. Address It Early, Don't Approach Emotionally
The longer you wait, the heavier the conversation becomes. I learned to address tone or behaviour when it first appears, rather than letting it pile up. That way, they also exactly the behaviour I'm talking about, because it's still fresh.
Instead of saying:
“Hey, I think you are being rude.”
I would say:
“I noticed the way that was phrased can came across a bit directive to the team. Let’s keep our team culture a collaborative one. I'm sure you would want the same respect from your team members.”
It is specific and neutral. It focuses on the behaviour, not personality.
2. Separate Intent from Impact
I always assume all of my team members have the best intentions. Even if their words might come across as unprofessional, I assume they do not mean any harm.
So I would say:
“I know that may not have been your intention, but the way it was communicated felt dismissive.”
This keeps the conversation constructive rather than accusatory, and it helps when addressing this to them because they would not get defensive.
3. Re-anchor to Standards, nothing Personal
Instead of highlighting about how I felt from their behaviour, I anchor it to team culture. To keep it blameless and a more productive conversation.
“In our team, we speak to each other with mutual respect and kindness, regardless of seniority.”
Now it is no longer about me versus you. It is about shared standards, and aligning expectations with them.
4. Protect Your Capacity
Early in my career, I said yes to almost everything. If someone else hesitated to execute a task, I would pick it up so nothing stalled. If a message came across dismissively, I would mentally smooth it over and act like it didn’t bother me.
On paper, it looked like I was reliable. In reality, it was exhausting, and it kept the behaviour repeating. I was absorbing the responsibility and emotional tension that belonged to them.
I worried about sounding too assertive or sensitive. But I have to learn that letting others handle their own responsibilities while I support them is what leadership looks like.
Conclusion
Professional boundaries are not about confrontation, avoidance or control. They are about creating an environment where everyone knows how to operate at their best.
If you are currently hesitating to speak up about something that feels slightly off, consider this your gentle nudge. Addressing it early is always easier than repairing it later.
Thanks for reading! I’m curious to know your own personal thoughts and experiences on this topic! Feel free to connect, send me an email (my inbox is always open) or let me know in the comments! Cheers!
